I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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