It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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