Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
