I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
