actually, I'm a sock model
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
