Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice