dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize