You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
