im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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