Cold hands, warm shart.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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