mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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