I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
