shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
