Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
