i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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