Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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