if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
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I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
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The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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