She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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