Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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