I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
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My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
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I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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