the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
