You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
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She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
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So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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