I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
