Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We don't watch enough power rangers
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
