i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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