You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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