You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
