i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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