She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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