i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
