I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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