I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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