Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face