Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?