i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
