Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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