You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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