omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
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I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
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I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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