omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
