Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
