I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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