Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
