No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
