Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
