Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
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how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.