at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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