My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
it's like iHOP with fire
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I want to be your penis for a week.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.