So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.