does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.