i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
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they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
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he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD