If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no