dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
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Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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