can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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