I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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