it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Randomize
