you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
